It can’t be great being Avram Grant. Every time the guy needs to catch a break the Manchester United team bus hovers into view. He must be sick of the sight of us. After his first and last matches at Chelsea (including Moscow) and nine goals against Portsmouth last term maybe the Israeli felt he’d been punished enough. Not so.

Now he finds himself in charge of a bunch who struggled against Oxford a few days ago. Playing at Old Trafford under these circumstances must have been as enticing as spending three years in a North Korean prison. But frankly, we let them off lightly.

I was as delighted as most football fans last year when the top-four was finally infiltrated by another club. I had even naively thought that we now had a more competitive league because of it.

After watching this total mismatch of a game I am not so sure. We really carved them up with ease and at times it barely seemed as if the Hammers were on the field. I should imagine Edwin Van Der Sar was able to daintily hang his jersey on a hanger to save on the washing for next week.

Spurs, and of course City, have pulled themselves up to the top of the table by spending more money than is digestible. More in fact, than the annual solidarity package that is distributed to the entire football league. Each.

Instead of a more competitive division what we really have a two-tier system. If you are a manager of a bottom half club you might as well opt for damage limitation on occasions such as this. Mick McCarthy’s boldly controversial selection policy last season now seems ahead of its time.

Nonetheless, we are United, this is Old Trafford and our rivals are banging in goals for fun. This victory was satisfying on many levels and I feel compelled to mention again how nice our football is at the moment. This is in stark contrast to Chelsea who managed to put six past Wigan last week and still be more boring than a 12 hour wait in the bank.

Berbatov’s Matrix like flying kick was the pick of the bunch but Nani’s was also a beauty. I suspect my Dad could have scored one similar though against that West Ham defence. Arsene Wenger, had he been asked, would have called the penalty ‘Old Trafford-ish’ but having Wayne Rooney on the scoresheet was as important as anything else that happened in this game.

The current Paul Scholes media love-in is entirely justified. The man is immense at the moment and along with Queen Elizabet I and Asterix he can count himself among the most important ginger-haired people in European history. We certainly looked less imposing when he went off the field for Carrick.

And that’s why we let them off. Poised above our victim with dagger in hand, Fergie makes three substitutions and kills off the game. Perhaps he’d decided Avram has had enough now. West Ham are definitely in trouble.

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Your house is on fire. Someone has stolen your credit card details and run up a six-figure bill. You just found out your wife was born a man. These are reasons to be hysterical; drawing 2-2 with Fulham at the Cottage is not one of them.

It seems the days when you could just shrug your shoulders and say ‘it wasn’t our afternoon’ are long behind us. Now Manchester United are the Biggest Club in The World ™ in the most fabulousest sports league in history, anything less than a solid victory against everybody is seen as something gruesome from the Old Testament.

People have called me a cynic in the past but I am not ready to panic or concede the title after the second weekend of the season. When looked at in the cold light of day you have to see this game as two points dropped but it is nothing the team can’t learn from.

The annoying thing is when lessons are NOT learnt. At this stage last year we lost to Burnley and Carrick missed a penalty. I found it inconceivable at the time that there should be no allocated penalty taker yet the same thing has happened again. Is it too much to ask for everybody to know what they’re doing in commonplace situations on a football pitch? This is not a dig at Nani, rather at the coaching staff.

I should imagine that Rooney would have stepped up had he been playing. Unfortunately, he was sidelined with a last minute stomach bug. I myself had many a stomach bug in my college days. Bizarrely, they often followed nights out and parties, I never figured out if there was a connection.

This is the period of the season when we are subjected to the delirious proclamations of rival fans who are certain the empire will crumble and their club shall rise. It has been Liverpool fans over the past few seasons who have had what I like to call an ‘Aug-asm’. This year, it is the Rent boys and after two 6 nil wins you can hardly blame them. History does teach us though, that United will be there or thereabouts come May time.

Looking at matters on the field, I really like the actual football United are playing at the moment. It is good passing stuff and really enjoyable to watch. Not only does Valencia jink around and cause trouble to opposition in the manner that you would like he also seems like a nice, unassuming bloke. That’s a breath of fresh air to me in the era of petulant players and dummy spitting.

Alas, petulance and dare I say, ill-discipline, are often character traits found in born winners. This United side is indeed a pleasure to watch, but without finding a killer instinct they won’t be a side hauling in the silverware. My bet is that Rooney might have something to say about that when he ‘recovers’.

Like the abominable snowman, the lost city of Atlantis and Hillary Clinton’s libido nobody was quite sure that it even existed. At Old Trafford on Monday night the debate was laid to rest. Dimitar Berbatov finally smiled. Not only did he smile, he also outplayed Wayne Rooney, looked pretty useful all round and seems to have started the season meaning business.

Dimitar Berbatov
Newcastle were pretty terrible and this match certainly doesn’t provide us with much of a test of our title credentials. On the other hand, West Brom certainly weren’t a test of Chelsea’s either. I remain surprised they didn’t take the field at Stamford Bridge strapped into parachutes such was the level of their awfulness.

Whilst I believe the collective strength of the league this year is just awesome, with an incomparable six top-quality teams competing at the summit, there are a fair few lame ducks in the pond too. The Geordies are one of them and both our geriatrics and our promising youngsters were allowed to look like Brazil circa 1970.

Despite bearing an outrageous resemblance to the young Michael Jackson, Nani’s trickiness is becoming more and more productive, at time Newcastle just couldn’t handle him. It was a joy to see him pelting down the wing to pick up another lavish
Pass from Mr. P. Scholes and in general I am delighted to see United playing with orthodox wingers in the league. I can’t see Fergie doing it say, away in Barcelona, but we look far more dangerous when spreading the play out wide.

I am officially out of vocabulary to describe how good Ryan Giggs is. There is no thesaurus big enough to fully illustrate what a legend he is. I try and hit first-time volleys like that every Sunday in the park and usually end up clobbering a bit of air before falling onto my face. If anybody else had scored that goal plaudits would be raining from on high. As it is Giggsie, you just shrug your shoulders, smile, and say ‘there he goes again’.

The game was starting to fizz out by then and whilst I think we deserved four this was still a fairly by the numbers home win for us. To be fair, at least we were forward-moving and incisive. If Scholes, Giggs and Berbatov can play like that every week we’ll win the league by a country mile. Unfortunately they won’t.

Nonetheless, a good start and a welcome return to the top-flight for 6points United. I’m off to practice my volleys.

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Photography courtesy of Meffi at FlickrCcoms