JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror’s north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You’re a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you’re saying I turned up and they [Newcastle’s players] fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn’t actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I’ve fucking read it, I’ve read it.

SB It doesn’t say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn’t say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It’s your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn’t say that you didn’t know.

JK What about the headline, you think that’s a good headline?

SB I didn’t write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn’t. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain’t got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB No, you can listen to who you want.

JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK No, no, no. I didn’t want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB What? More important things?

JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.

SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK I can’t trust any of you.

Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I’m not going to tell you anything. I don’t understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don’t talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level … [but] you will find some cunt that …

Other journalist How long is your contract for Joe?

JK None of your business.

SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don’t know …

JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That’s it finished. I don’t know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He’s trying to fucking hide, he’s trying to do this or that.

There follows an exchange regarding the circumstances under which Kinnear had met the owner Mike Ashley and executive director (football) Dennis Wise.

Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun) We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn’t go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don’t affect me I assure you. It’ll be the last time I see you anyway. Won’t affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don’t trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain’t coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I’m ridiculed for no reason. I’m defenceless. I can’t get a point in, I can’t say nothing, I can’t do nothing, but I ain’t going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I’m not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I’ve got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It’s ongoing. It just doesn’t stop.

Journalist It’s only been a week.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist It’s early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I’m clearing the air. And this is the last time I’m going to speak to you. You want to know why, I’m telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn’t going to do you or us any good.

JK I’ll speak to the supporters. I’m going to tell them what the story is. I’m going to tell them. I don’t think they’ll interpret it any different, I don’t think they’ll mix it up, I don’t think they’ll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me … I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like “Well, that’s a load of bollocks …”

Journalist “Bollocks to that” is what you said.

JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist That was it.

JK No it wasn’t, no it wasn’t. What was after it? I don’t know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist I don’t know.

JK It even had the cheek to say “bollocks to Newcastle”.

Journalist I didn’t write that.

JK That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist Where was that? Which paper said that?

JK I’ve got it. I can’t remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist But you didn’t say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.

JK I’ll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying “bollocks to Newcastle?”

JK Yes. Lovely.

Journalist I don’t know who’s reported that.

JK I’ll tell you what, I’ll bring it in.

Journalist That’s obviously going to damage you. That’s not a good thing. But I don’t think someone’s done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK So have I. But I haven’t come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I’m not flavour of the month for you, it don’t fucking bother me. I’ve got a job to do. And I’m going to do it to the best of my ability. I’m not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don’t twist anything.

Journalist You know, you know the game …

JK Of course I know, but I don’t have to like it.

Journalist Today we’ll print the absolute truth, that you think we’re cunts, we can all fuck off and we’re slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it’ll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Much, much later after long discussions over whether Kinnear had promised Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan would be returning to the club

Press officer Let’s get on to football. Let’s have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it’s wiped off and we’re not discussing it.

Journalist But that’s what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press officer I’m saying don’t push it. Let’s accept what’s been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

(Silence)

Journalist: Any knocks?

PO: Come on, let’s go football.

Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How’s the training going?

JK It’s going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. I’ve loved every moment of it.

What was not in doubt is that these guys were expecting to be a taught a footballing lesson, and United were supposed to be the ones holding the chalk. It is true to say that any 3 nil win away in Europe is a decent result but as Mattybonce has said, this was a far cry from 1998 when we put the dunce cap on Bronby during our 6-2 rout in the same country.

       Dimitar Berbatov

Berbatov is the Steven Seagal of football, never does he have a hair out of place, nor a bead of sweat on his forehead, but he is completely and utterly lethal if he wants to be. Not since Big Norm’s chunkier years have I seen a United player stand motionless, hands on hips as often as he does, it is like he is waiting for a bus sometimes. On the plus side, he is amazing at making space for himself, and from the looks of things tonight he can play a mean through ball.

There was a growing suspicion at the start of the year that this was going to be a big season for Anderson. It is going to have to be now because Scholes is rather seriously crocked. I think he is up to the job but he has looked a little off the pace so far this season.

Next up the mighty lambs of Blackburn, time to release our wolves. Tevez, it is time to score.

This fixture usually goes one of two ways for us, either a romping four nil victory or a frustrating afternoon when they nick a late goal. As the game wore on I feared this may fall into the latter category.

Oh deary me. That penalty was extremely embarrassing, we should be better than that. The main problem with this sort of thing is that it is not the players, or even the referees who bear the brunt. It is us fans who have to put up with the angry accusations of opposing fans.

The second goal was a work of art, great to see Rooney responding to being dropped, but no-one will remember it and all we will have to do is kop grief for the ref’s decision.

I was vaguely happy to see Gary Neville attempt a ludicrous 20 yard shot with his left foot early in the game. As it sailed past Halley’s Comet and off into the cosmos I felt confident he was close to returning to the player he once was.

Thirty million pounds is a lot of money, when do we start asking questions of Berba?

Johnny ‘no means no’ Evans played okay, and whilst he couldn’t quite keep our defensive areas completed zipped up, he did manage to penetrate the Villareal box against its wishes and nearly scored at the end. Gary Neville is starting to remind me of the original version of the King Kong movie, brilliant in its time but painfully dated now. He needs a major restoration and he may well not be the man to try and stop Joe cole and Bang/Crash/Whallop Drogba on Sunday. I would play Wes at right back and John O’Shea at centre back in the vain hope that he utilises some of that luck his countrymen are famous for.

The mysteries of the midfield continue. Was Fergie punishing the central players for last week’s result? Or was this too, another dry run for Sunday’s outing at the bridge? Or do we simply have no idea who are the first choices in that area? I always like the look of Hargreaves and when he is fit he should play, other than that it is hard to choose, for the most part we will need grafters on Sunday.

Villareal played a very nice, neat passing game. When they got possession they held possession and seemed a very organised team. This result is no tragedy but we are far from in form at the moment.
We are not in trouble in Europe, yet, and Fergie will know his midfield and defence for the weekend now he has had this little experiment. The thing that nobody seems to mention is that, frankly, it is time to drop Rooney.

Our record at home in Europe is very, very strong (hang on a second, isn’t that what you said about our record against Liverpool?)(SHUT UP!) and the team hasn’t put two poor performances together since, well, since the last two games they played.

Also, Berbatov appears to be injured, Spartacus is only just returning from injury and volleyball Scholes is suspended. This bears all of the hallmarks of an upset (that means us losing) but for some reason I think we are going to win. Why? Because it is Europe, and that is surely the reason Fergie is still there.

Or perhaps there is something in my coffee.

“Competitive matches for Manchester United Football Club began four weeks ago, maybe the playing staff could start competing now.”

Alas, United have somehow managed to drag the lacklustre performance seen recently in the millionaire’s playground of Monaco into the urban wasteland of Liverpool. The Super Cup Final was, well, a cup final and we looked like we couldn’t be bothered. Games against Liverpool are bigger than cup finals and, again, our motivation was sorely lacking.

Despite recent form, and our decent record against them, if a Manchester United team steps out at Anfield giving anything less than 150% they are going to be beaten.

By starting with Tevez, Rooney and Berbatov we were left with no wingers and therefore no width and service for the guys up front. It looked to be working after three minutes as the new man danced down the right to set up Tevez. But after that it all started to go wrong, poor Rooney was everywhere achieving nothing again and we didn’t even have somebody to take the corners. Anderson’s two attempts could find their way into a textbook on backpassing.

So the formation didn’t really work and our pingy passing game was further unsettled by Liverpool’s energy and hustling. Then we lost control of the midfield and the second half comes close to embarrassing. I struggle to remember anything from that second period that comes close to resembling a good move. Giggs showed enduring class with his reactionary volley but that was about it. You always know it’s not going to be your day when someone gets sent off in the last minute through frustration and now we are missing an important player to suspension.

To put it mildly the players need a major rollicking and you can expect Kuscak and Neville to start against Chelsea whilst VDS and Brown find themselves in Trafford General Hospital having their eardrums reattached.

With Chelsea and Arsenal registering wholesome victories nearby we are the only ‘big gun’ not to have recorded a sizeable win yet. Horribly, Liverpool were good value for this victory. Not to worry, the next game is at Stamford Bridge, we’re sure to win 6-0 there.