The Devil In Me

History is littered with examples of people making matters worse by being involved in something they don’t really understand. Nobody regards America’s involvement in Vietnam as a triumph, Madonna should never have acted and this week Gary Cook gave us this little beauty. His humungous stupidity acting as the perfect aphrodisiac for all victory celebrations far, wide and right in your face.

Staying with the historical theme, City have not always been the nemesis incarnate. The early histories of the clubs tell a tale of mutual cooperation and we will always owe them for letting us play at Maine Road after our ground was bombed to bits. However, beating them this week was more satisfying than a wedding night with Marilyn Monroe. Not that I’ve had that experience but you get the general idea.

The real enemy appear to be the FA who have begun to indulge in their favourite hobby again. The one where they make a ridiculous scapegoat out of Rio Ferdinand. I heard that a United player failed to turn up for Church last Sunday, no doubt that is sufficient for a medium-sized ban eh Soho Square. Plonkers.

Credit where it is due though. This is certainly the best City side I have seen in decades, if at all. The game at Eastlands will be handful and whilst the guy is never going to win a Nobell Peace Prize – Craig Bellamy is a hell of a player.

With regards to the Budweiser incident, I am deeply disappointed some of our fans were chucking stuff at him. The morons trying their pitching arms at Old Trafford let us all down, the Welshman could have made more of a meal of it if he’d wanted to. When Van Der Sar ran over to act as a human shield it reminded me of exactly what we miss without him. A calm head in heated circumstances and the nous to do the right thing when the pressure is on. Also the team’s biggest nose.

The second half at Old Trafford was the best United have played for months and I am tempted to think that we can kick on from here and start galloping towards trophies. Fortunately, our blue-nosed friends have taught me a thing or two about the dangers of hubris this week. We ain’t won nothin’ yet regardless of how satisfying the result is.

Rooney is getting more coverage than the fall of the Berlin Wall and rightly so, he is unplayable at the moment. Of much more heartening news is that Fergie has figured out that playing the right-footed Nani on the right wing produces alright-on-the-night performances. The young Portuguese did start the season promisingly and if he can maintain this form there is a chance he will blossom into the player he should. But nonetheless, heroes, every one of them, bring on Villa.

The primary reasons not to be hubristic are called Arsenal and Chelsea, the latter being our opponents this weekend. We have done some damage to the Gunners in cup victories in the last two years but the sands have shifted over the last 12 months. This should be an altogether more even affair.

You would expect a game including Wayne Rooney, Cesc Fabregas and two weakened defences to produce goals. Beyond that I am relying on my lucky socks again. There is a nasty chance that Ancellotti could finish the weekend as the happiest manager, which can’t be good for the soul of mankind.

As always though. I live in hope. Allez les rouges.

Footnote: Does the signing of Chris Smalling mean that Fergie has resigned himself to losing Vidic at the end of the season? Bet that’ll help the Glazer’s bank balance.

Follow Markjpayne@twitter.com and www.thedevilinme.co.uk

City must have been delighted to draw United in the Carling Cup semi-final as it means the council house will have a capacity crowd twice this season. This may be a strange set of circumstances for them to deal with, but getting into an almighty tizz over Gary Neville’s middle finger is a bit silly.

I suspect people are focusing on G.Nev’s protrusion so much because they don’t want to zoom in on the reality of the game. United were the better side and City’s goals were both scored by the referee. All of Fergie’s crying wolf may be working against us but there were 5 minutes of injury time in this game and that seems pretty standard for us since he started whingeing. Job done? Evil plan coming to fruition Mr. Ferguson? Perhaps, I wouldn’t like to speculate.

Gary Neville
To be honest, I expected us to get a kicking in this fixture, but we are still very much in the tie and I take great heart from the way the team played. We need to have a sharper cut up front (Rooney can’t do it all on his own) but if we put a few past Hull at the weekend confidence could bloom in the ranks. We’ll also go top if this happens.

I have always had time for Tevez, he worked damn hard for us and reading about his career is fascinating. He won player of the year when he was in Brazil, which for an Argentinean is a bit of a miracle.

But there is no way he is anywhere near as good as he thinks he is. He could do far worse than to take lessons in dignity from Denis Law. And Beckham’s timing for this interview could not have been better.

“City will never be bigger than United. Being successful and one of the most recognised clubs in the world doesn’t come from the money. It’s about history.” Thanks Dave, couldn’t have put it myself and you will get a warm reception from me at Old Trafford in March.

Off the pitch, the financial cobblers still grates me. I can understand the desperate calls for Fergie to resign this week but it’s not the way. In reality, we have pretty much no power over this situation and there are those who think Fergie is the last person with chips to play. Maybe so, but the wizard quitting wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference to ‘them’.

The Glazers are treating United as a toy. Fair enough, if I owned a café or a pub I’d shout myself the odd coffee and have a share of the profits. But football clubs are community institutions built up by local support and their exploitation is a morally bankrupt practice. I feel like a disgruntled punter, leaning against the counter complaining about the rising cost of drinks.

We definitely need to get rid of them but waiting for somebody richer to come in does not seem like the best hope either. What I would like to do to the Glazers is unprintable, I can only hope they get lost before United start to resemble the Tampa Bay Buccaneers current diabolical state.

Club Man

One of the more surprising statistics you can read about United is that John O’Shea is now one of the top twenty performers for the club in terms of games played. He has always been a solid club man and played wherever he has been asked to. This week it emerged he has a blood clot and nearly had his leg amputated. That is scary stuff. He has my best wishes and I hope he gets well soon.

Footnote: One of my mates, The Russian Red Lipstick Crusader, is married to a City fan. Pray for her.

Follow markjpayne@twitter and at www.thedevilinme.co.uk

All United fans are to perform the following procedure. Place both hands over your ears, clasp your fingers together at the top of your cranium and gently but firmly lift your head out of the sand.

The heavy reportage of United’s financial quagmire this week has been gut wrenching. Perhaps the worst thing is that little of it comes as a surprise. Americans talk about “always remembering where they were when JFK was shot”. For me it was the sale of United. Not for a second did I believe it could happen and I was speechless for hours afterwards. Oddly, it coincided with the time I finished Uni and nobody could understand why I wasn’t in a better mood.

The sum of all our fears has now been published in black and white and is slightly uglier than at first envisaged. It is slightly ironic that the Glazers look like a group of well-dressed Mythbusters because there is still uncertainty about what there plan was in the first place.

Certainly, the worst thing about the takeover is that it has divided the support. Despite Fergie’s aggressive attitude towards FC United I have nothing against them and wish the club well. I am aware that a lot of fans are vehemently against the manager’s stance on the owners. A section of the support even hold him fully responsible for the whole mess as a result of his face off over the Rock of Gibralter’s sperm.

Personally, I couldn’t give an ess ache one tee about who is to blame. I am only interested in viable solutions for saving our football club. Because that is what is at stake here – The future of Manchester United.

Regular readers will know about my match going buddies the Crinkleys, one of whom has over forty years experience working in the city and has been the through the latest disclosure in detail. This is his take:

“All the noise in the world cannot force a private company to do something it does not want to do. The Glazers won’t float the company unless they can be guaranteed their £1bn+ and that’s a big ask of the markets in the current environment. No, they will only sell to the mega-rich oligarch/crook [who is yet to appear]”.

We’re definitely more boned than the Natural History Museum then. So what can we do as fans?

Since the takeover many of us have vowed not to give a single penny to the Glazers. In my case, other than matchday tickets and club membership, I haven’t given them a dime. Our household proudly boasts a collection of match programs dating back to 1951, but it stopped the day the Glazers come to town. This has been proven completely correct now we know about their £20 million pocket money bonus, Carlos Tevez anybody? But I still attend matches, because I will always, always support the guys wearing the shirts.

Boycotts have been mentioned as a tangible form of supporter action that would send a powerful message. In reality, fan boycotts and the like often just make things worse in that they bring the day of financial catastrophe even closer. But maybe we will have to do just that. SAF won’t like it because he will have even less money to buy new players, so we can’t count on his support. Of course, they may not even work with the number of international fans we have coming in on day trips.

So do we the fans offer to buy the club? It’ll cost at least £1bn and even
divided by one million that’s still £1000 each. Who’s going to do that? And, if ‘only’ 100,000 Mancs step up then the numbers are even more impossible.

We are in a corner here and, considering the circumstances, our current league position and squad composition is nothing short of miraculous. Alex Ferguson is still doing an absolutely brilliant job. The question is, how much longer can he, and the club hold on? We are slipping towards the precipice and without intervention in the very near future – losing to Leeds will start looking like a good result.

Keep the faith. Somehow.

Follow markjpayne@twitter.com and www.thedevilinme.co.uk

Frankly, at this stage, I am willing to put climate change on the backburner, stop being concerned about the global financial crisis and ignore the beast of Bodmin. Why on earth did we lose to Leeds?

You can make as much hoo-ha as you want about the size of the rivalry – but this was a team 43 places below us in the football league and they beat us fair and square on our own ground. Not good enough.

Certainly, Fergie needs to light a few fires under some of the players but the team selection needs to come into account here. Last season the wizard was extraordinary in his ability to keep all the players happy and tinker the side in the right ways. We very nearly won five trophies and indeed won three. The last three seasons are arguably the most glorious in the club’s history but we’re not happy are we?

We did not learn the lessons of the Besiktas result and occasionally we field teams which are a mix of too much inexperience (Wellbeck, Gibson) and too many underperforming veterans (Berbatov, Scholes).

Santa’s sack has really been a mixed bag for us this year. The result at Villa had been coming for a long time. Our record against them is scandalously good and in no way reflects the disparity between the sides. It was owed and I can take it. Fulham on a good day are better than United on a bad day apparently. Make no mistake though, we were spanked.

I think more than one side in the Premier League has figured out that if you can stop Rooney you can stop United. Leeds provided a masterclass in how to do it. The Roonster had two men on him at all times and when he passed to a less effective colleague the team became less effective. Down the line these are the kind of frustrations that lead to Rooney collecting crimson cards, so it is even more of a worry.

I absolutely agree that Ronaldo was irreplaceable, and I absolutely agree that our defensive injuries are more than unlucky. I am also absolutely sure that we need to open the piggy bank in this transfer window. Is the money there though? I fear it may not be, not even a James Cameron movie could get us out of the debt we are in.

We cannot collect another result against City like the one against Leeds. Ladies and Gentleman, it is time to wash the lucky underpants, apply the red lipstick and get out the scarves. The team all the help they can get at the moment.

On a more cheerful note…

Some great United moments from the last decade:

1. 11 May 2002, at about twenty past four. Last game of a season when we’d won nowt. Miserable nondescript game against Charlton which ended 0-0. Denis Irwin substituted on the last of his 511 games for the club and the whole ground giving him a standing ovation as he went off. Great full back, great club man.

2. March 08, the Lyons home game. A couple of lads in front of us start singing the Adebayor song, only to find that other United fans turn on them and tell them to shut up. ‘We’re United, we’re not racist’. Contrast that with games from the 60s and 70s and the monkey noises and bananas thrown onto the field when there was a black player on the pitch. It’s an indication of how the fans are evolving.

3. The Roma fans in March 07, keeping singing and never letting up even when they were six-nil down.

4. Macheda’s goal, perfect drama, really quite special and the moment we knew we’d make it to 18.

5. Rooney’s debut hat trick against Fenerbahce (oh the promise that heralded…)

6. Giggs getting the BBC award (which I didn’t see, nor vote in, but was so pleased to see justice done to a great man for this club)

7. “That’s bollox that. There’s always been pressure at this club.” Alex Feguson calmly reacts to a question after we defeat Mourinho’s Chelsea.

8. Moscow.

9. Winning the league back from Chelsea.

10. Standing ovation for Fat Ronaldo.
Moments collected by Mark Payne, The Grimace, Jhonno, Underpantman and The Russian Red Lipstick Crusader.
Thank you for all of your e-mails whilst I was on leave, I shall endeavour to reply to all of you personally over the next week.

Wishing you all a prosperous 2010, Mark

This injured defender situation is getting ridiculous. At the moment, our treatment room must resemble the beach landing in Normandy – players arms flailing around and field medics frantically trying to issue the right medication to each of them. This ain’t great because on Tuesday we face Germans and a tremendous chance to lose top place in the group.

I can’t for the life of me find justification for our injury woes other than bad luck. Unfortunately though, I don’t think this is an isolated incident. Some of our players have lived in a strange parallel universe of misdiagnosis. As far as I know, we are not sure what is wrong with Rio, with each passing day I think Michael Jackson is more likely to make a comeback than Owen Hargreaves and we never really did sort out the outrageously talented Louis Saha.

Old Trafford
You would think that Manchester United would have the, well, Manchester United of medical facilities at their disposal. Instead, my bizarrely cynical mind worries our physician might be like this guy. Horse placenta seems sane in comparison but you’ll notice that Saha seems to be playing fine for Everton…

Attribution psychology suggests that people can be predisposed to blaming a situation on somebody – whether or not it is the reality. So I blame Malcolm Glazer. Book balancing has been happening all over the shop, see the sales of Pique and Rossi, ask this young lad Ljajic or try to get on the phone to the ticket office. Is it too much to assume that our medical department may have been trimmed back too?

There are too many niggly injuries with slight pulls and strains to be really acceptable right now. If it costs us on Tuesday, I’ll be miffed.

Anyway, onto better news. United are playing well and scoring goals in the league. What with Chelsea finally losing games (shortly after JT’s latest battle cry, God bless him) I should be more excited. True, the goal difference is repaired and true, we have closed the gap. It should be noted, however, that this was against two of the weakest teams in the league and, West Ham particularly, offered less defence than a boxer with no arms.

The game on Saturday was quite the delight to watch. I thoroughly enjoyed all of goals especially the latest thunderbolt from G-Force Gibson. Just the type of player I have been waiting to see emerge since he-who-walks-Triggs departed. Let’s hope he and the rest of the forward players can keep form.

I made the point last year that in 07/08 we had relied on the front players and last season on the back four/five. It’s time for the guys up front to take charge again. Michael Carrick is a tremendous fella for stepping into the defence this week, and he was tidy (making 26 perfect passes) against West Ham. But he only made one tackle. Berbatov has finally, thank Buddha, had a haircut, but it’s the boys at the back who want to avoid any more close shaves.

Follow markjpayne@twitter.com and http://blogs.soccernet.com/manchesterunited/

Photography from Jon Person at FlickrCcoms

It’s nice to be back in the Premier League this weekend and back to the business at hand as opposed to all this business about a handball. FIFA’s influence on the week’s events has muddied their fair play policy in all the wrong ways, some games are fairer than others, eh Sepp? But FIFA’s true crime against the game came a few years ago when they endorsed the FIFA console game. Park football has never been the same since.

Every Sunday, in our weekly kickaround, nearly everyone on the pitch (yes, me included) tries to pull off the edge of the box side on volley into the top corner that is common place in the computer game. Without exception, each one of these shots turns into either an air kick, or flies forth to the heavens to get covered in snow before crashing back down to earth and leaving a 20 foot crater of its own making in the middle of the M6. This is no mean feat as our pitch is miles away from the M6.

Now Darren Fletcher has gone and done it in a real fixture. Now even more people will try it! Even more often! Ye Gods, I am ready to give up. Still, after all this talk about equine afterbirth Fergie’s lovechild has done well.

Much has been made about Everton’s injury problems but my goodness they are a team that works hard. There must have at least sixty passes in the first minute of this game and it reminds you of how fit top flight players need to be. That is, of course, if your name is not Michael Owen.

Dammit. I have been trying to get behind Owen, his positioning is still first class but I fear his legs are truly gone. Mind you, for a cost of zero pence you’d still take a last minute winner in the derby I guess. We’ll probably buy in January.

Another team that will be buying in January are City. Most likely buying out the contract of their new manager after they shaft Hughsie. I am fighting back tears trying to come to terms with the result from Anfield that does neither side any good. There is a strong argument to say that if fourth place were awarded on merit it would go to Aston Villa right now. Unfortunately it isn’t, so anything could still happen. Go Sunderland.

At the top Chelsea are still looking good but I am cheered to hear that they are rearranging their back room staff mid-season again. It ain’t broke so of course it must be fixed. Welcome back Mr. Hiddink ,we do indeed need another cook in this kitchen, that always works. Next week they have Arsenal and we take on the mighty Portsmouth. Points should be made up. Let’s hope so.

Will Hargreaves play for United again? This is the question that keeps me awake at night. Your thoughts gentleman….

There have been a lot of grumbles about Real Madrid from our side over the last couple of years. The protracted Ronaldo transfer and the manner in which it was conducted has put an awful lot of people’s backs up. Madrid are now seen as lacking class and respect to the red side from Mancunia.

But short memories breed poor conclusions. After the devastation of Munich – United, naturally, did not qualify for Europe for several seasons. In the previous years they had been going toe-to-toe with a Madrid team that was arguably the greatest in club football history. And they were getting closer. A mutual respect had formed between the two and this reflects in the actions of the Spaniards after the plane crash had decimated our side.

Real Madrid played friendly fixtures against United for the five years following the Munich air disaster, and they always, always sent a full strength side. This was pure class on their part and helped Busby keep in touch with European football. As United gradually began to find their feet again they were able to test themselves against the likes of Di Stefano and Puskus on an annual basis. These fixtures are largely forgotten, but we now have the chance to pick through them in more detail.

Manchester United: The Forgotten Fixtures is an excellent companion for anybody with an interest in United history or football in general. It comprehensively covers every friendly game Machester United have played from the 1940s to the present day profiling team sheets, scorers and attendances for non-competitive games. It is a fascinating read, particularly if you are interested to see how the club were shaping up in pre-season before their most memorable campaigns.

The book has been compiled by the steady hand of Iain McCartney, a seasoned football writer and Reds specialist, who has an eye for detail and a readable style that readers should find compelling. It now sits proudly amongst the finest literature on the mighty Reds.

So next time somebody starts whinging about how Madrid are a classless bunch of renegades, try to keep in mind that when it mattered, they were there for us. Thanks to Iain McCartney, we can all now remember.

Manchester United: The Forgotten Fixtures by Iain McCartney with a Foreward by Paddy Crerand is available from Amazon and all good book shops.

Ayers Rock, Mount Everest, Greenland, Sam Allardyce. Blackburn’s manager is not a small fella. I am reliably informed that in order to stay upright he is required to use one of those anti-gravity belts beloved of Baron Vladimir Harkonnen in Dune. But enough about this Jupiter of a man (Big Sam has my total respect by the way, this is the guy who made Bolton a force). United are famous for big things too. We have had Big Ron, Big Norm, big crowds of course and are The Biggest Football Club in the WorldTM. What we have not had yet this season is a big performance. We need one.

Sam Allardyce

Baron Vladimir Harkonnen
I remember a few years ago when United and Arsenal slugged it out for championships like Borg and McEnroe and we, quite unexpectedly, tonked them 6-1. It was widely assumed that because they were the top two teams in the country that it’d be, you know, quite an even game.

The truth was, United were miles ahead and Arsenal were ‘rebuilding’, as they say in football parlance. Why does this result come back into my mind now? Yep, you guessed it, we’re going to Stamford Bridge next week and Chelsea look like they could win the Grand National at the moment.

United have got serious talent in the side, Berbatov’s goal lifted the soul on Saturday, but I have a horrible feeling we are about to get found out. Whisper it quietly, but United have leaned on an awful lot of luck so far. Beating Arsenal and City, although not outrageously jammy, might have maxed out our cosmic credit card of good fortune.

Why is this so? Because nobody has the slightest idea what is our best midfield. Our central defensive partnership has signed on for another stint in the Casualty cast and, um, Nani.

It must be terrible for any winger starting at United. There is a statue of George outside the stadium and a training pitch full of defenders who are used to trying to tackle Giggs and Ronaldo. Unfortunately, for all of their obvious talent, the boys are not yet men.

I have no doubts about the ability of Messrs Valencia, Nani, Pogba and Tocsic but I have serious reservations about their readiness for a game at Stamford Bridge. One can only assume that Fergie will play Scholes Giggs and Carrick in the fixture. This, one suspects, does not fill the hearts and minds of Ballack, Essien and Lampard with a sense of dread.

Far be it from me to question the wisdom of Mr. Ferguson when it comes to matters of team selection but the side of caution has been leaned on. We need to not lose to Chelsea and it is time to step up. Whatever the midfield next week, I hope we see ‘swash’ and ‘buckle’ in there somewhere too. It is about time.

In other news, Fulham are my new second favourite Premier League team.