The Devil In Me

“When I were a lad”, as begins the famous Monty Python skit with four Yorkshiremen. Various tales of hardship are shared out between the grumpy old gits about how tough it was growin up tup north.

Who’d a thought United’d struggle without young Wayne? Well, everyone actually. Unfortunately, some of also thought that Berbatov would step up to the plate. Certainly he has stepped up, but his stride is yet to break out into a sprint, not even a steady jog.

Well it ain’t easier for any of us at the moment. Just looking around locally, Burnely fans could whinge about Brian Laws being on a one-man mission to take them down. City can’t exactly scream from the rooftops about Garry Cook and Blackburn are, well, in Blackburn.

Wigan remind of the resident space cadet at school – highly entertaining when they turn up, but that ain’t much. Arsenal are unappreciated elves losing their battle against a platoon of Robocops (or Barcelona) and Liverpool are under the charge of a man with dodgy facial hair who has clearly lost his mind.

So when I want to launch into a long tirade about how terrible it is that Rooney is injured, I spare a thought for every fan in the country – because this season we are all suffering. And at least we’ve got a cup.

People talk about the neutrals wanting Arsenal and Fulham to do well because they are “well-run clubs”. Arsenal, fair enough, but Fulham? Mohammad Al Fayed’s plaything, with a moneyed up owner and little historic soul, are everything that is wrong with English football. You can’t put Roy Hodgson in front of something and tell me that it is pretty, even if he is a lovely bloke.

It begs the question, who are these neutral fans? Some kind of grey-clad, Swiss people only interested in the welfare of good in the world? Nope. They actually don’t exist. In my book, you either have some kind of stake in the game or you’re not really that bothered.

I’ll concede that it is exciting. There are plenty of sumptuous fixtures left, and if anyone can correctly predict the formation of the top 8 now I shall happily give you the religion of my first born.

Lining up in the following fixtures we need a turbo charged Berba, the 1999 Neville, Macheda with Michael Owen’s brain and Fergie to plan his team selections better that he plans his post-match whinges about the ref.

Will City do us a massive favour? Will Spurs help Arsneal? How will Liverpool feel if they have to beat Chelsea to finish fourth but hand us no.19 in the process?

Spare a thought for all the football fans in this country, because mostly we suffer from football rather than enjoy it. In a few weeks though, some of us will be drinking Chateaux de Chaselet and saying, “who’d a thought?” I hope it’s us.

There are some things that I just don’t understand. The connection between Jesus, chocolate eggs and rabbits eludes me. The contents of Alex Ferguson’s mind during important European games is also beyond my comprehension. There have been times in the past when the wizard’s substitutions have been inspired (1999) but this week wasn’t one of them.

I am not wholly convinced that when we were coming under increasing pressure taking off two midfielders and replacing them with two attackers is the best policy. I applaud the ‘Manchester United-ness’ of the idea, but we lost. Nani has made his way into my good books of late but anyone can see that Valencia tracks back more. Just an opinion.

Everybody is entitled to a bad day at the office and I am not one to whinge when Fergie has delivered six squillion trophies to OT already – there is the feeling though that Van der Sar was the only person who earned his paycheque in Germany.

2-1 away is not the worst result in history but it certainly looks like an opportunity missed. Robben will be back for the next fixture and with him and Ribery on the field things would seem to be set up nicely for Bayern to play a counter-attacking game in Manchester.

Getting a one nil at home sounds feasible were it not for the fact that we are hosting Chelsea’s collection of hackers, foulers and cheats (marital and footballing – works two ways that) this Saturday. Without Wayne Rooney.

For those that love statistics which mean precisely nothing, we have won 11 games without the scouser this season, but my confidence is not at an all time high here. Not meaning to put any undue pressure on one player – Dimitar Berbatov, this is your moment. Time to show us what £30m can do. I place my faith in your boots.