The Devil In Me

There is nothing wrong with optimism. Cynics claim they are merely being realistic but if I wanted to hang around with people who see something bad in everything good I’d start kicking back with Mary Whitehouse and Jeremy Paxman. That’s not for me, I live in a world here the only reason Jessica Alba hasn’t confessed her undying love for me is because we haven’t met, where the winter is a gift and where it ain’t so bad if someone leaves the toilet seat up from time to time.

I do, however, have limits. Cruel experience has taught me never, ever to take anything for granted on the football field, and sure as hell not in the European Cup. UEFA have now drawn for the quarter-finals of the Champions League and more than one wise United fan has cheerfully looked up and said, “We’ll have a chance to do Barcelona again in the final”. Well hang on a bloody second. I may already have chosen a middle name and high-school for the third child Jessica and I will have in 2018, but this is football. Time to be serious.

Whilst our next sojourn into Europe gives us all an excuse to watch thisagain, it seems to have inspired a bit of innocent buffoonery in our support. So sadly, my cheerful little mind has come up with a list of reasons why we should not be over presumptuous about getting past Bayern Munich in the next round.

1. German football teams are famous for winning things. In the immortal words of Gary Linekar, “Football is eleven men against eleven and in the end the Germans win”. Even when they are losing they can scare the bejesus out of you. For examples of this I cite the 1986 World Cup Final (quote after 1min and 6seconds here) and the 1999 Champions League final (watch it again). Tear-inducingly brilliant as that was, we were luckier than a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow in a pot of rabbits’ feet.

2. Leverkeusen. Just that one vowel-heavy word can have me shaking my head. I still struggle to comprehend what went wrong in that semi-final and the experience alone should be enough to stop people taking things for granted. But if it isn’t…

3. …then feel free to cast an eye over the events at Craven Cottage this week. I doubt any Juve supporters seriously thought they could get turned over in the second leg. But that air of deduction proved to be fatal.

4. French teams are no joke at the moment. So, HYPOTHETICALLY, we beat Bayern and meet, for example, Lyon in the next round – what can we expect? A team that has already seen to Real Madrid this year must be respected and there is the intriguing master/apprentice duel between Fergie and Larry White to consider too. This clip exemplifies they do always work out in favour of the master.

5. Even if we do get past everybody else and meet Barca again let’s not overlook the fact that they are actually a pretty special team. This week they did for Stuttgart what the volcano did for Pompeii. Even if we manage to clone Wayne Rooney and replace his skeleton with tungsten steel I still reckon they’d be a handful.

Mind you, it’d be wicked if we could do Barca in the final and make up for last ye…DAMN!!