The Devil In Me

Can Rooney take over the old Roy Keane role?

I have had several queries on this subject and I think it is time we had a look at the in’s and out’s of the proposition.

Keano has never been directly replaced. He was “the outstanding midfielder in his position of his generation” in the words of Sir Alex and to find another was always going to be tricky. His last two years at the cub saw us alter our formation to accommodate him in the team and it didn’t work well enough for us to win championships. For two years after he left the search continued. When Owen Hargreaves arrived we all thought we had a similar style of player to fill the role except, we had won the league again anyway. Why was this? Because our style of play has adapted in the short time since Keano’s retirement and a player of his ilk is no longer essential to the make-up of the team.

Much like a firearm in the Midwest it is always better to have a midfield scrapper and not need one than need a scrapper and not have one but now, actually, we have two. Hargreaves, when fit, can marshal a further forward sweeper type role in front of the defence and Anderson has all of the Scrappy Doo like qualities you would want from a combative central player. We just don’t need them every game. Our midfield is a Rubix cube of options and we can choose them to suit our opposition.

Can Rooney directly replace Keane? Yes he could. Much in the way Duncan Edwards was good enough to play in any position on the park, Rooney is also such a natural footballer that he could play in goal and be selected for England. But it still isn’t his best position. After trying to morph Alan Smith into Keane a few years ago I suspect that Ferguson has given up on trying to put the circular tube through the square hole for now. Rooney, was born to score goals.

This was a belting match to watch and I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I didn’t support United. Whilst you could say that we lacked focus in the second half and took our feet of the pedal that would be doing a disservice to Everton. They came at us like animals after the break (trying harder against us than they did against their neighbours…) and were very good value for the point. Giggs’ form is outstanding at the moment but VDS is getting wobblier and we look breakable from the halfway line back.

There are certain things you need to win the league in England. You need a firing strike-force, a solid defence and preferably a steely-shinned midfield general too. An accomplished and uncompromising manger doesn’t go amiss either, but most importantly, you need to ‘want it’. The team that wins the league invariably has a habit of fighting to the death, for chasing long lost causes and for never saying die, not even saying ‘alright we’ll call it a draw’.

The one United player who surely understands all this is Ryan Giggs, and he has been the team’s outstanding performer in the last few matches. This despite him being the same age as the rest of the squad put together. There is not a United fan alive who doesn’t appreciate how much of a pleasure it is to watch them at times. The club always plays to win, and to win with flair. None of us like Ronaldo’s fondness for falling over but my God the boy can play. Every single time you attend a game he does something that makes the cost of the ticket worthwhile. And they ain’t cheap anymore. But we are not Newcastle circa 96 and something is amiss at the moment.

Our quivering start to the campaign can be attributed Van Der Sar’s need to visit an optician. May’s hero has been no steady Eddie this season (anybody see the game at Anfield?) and this has unsettled the rest of the defence. The stats show us looking quite respectable, but our confidence at times when defending reminds me of my GCSE physics exam. And that wasn’t a happy memory. We need to start blooding Foster more often immediately, because if you add the Proton ‘VDS’ to the Neutron ‘Ferdinand or Vidic injured’ then our defence starts to resemble a black hole, anything could get through there. But I don’t think that is why we are likely to be behind Hull as we approach Christmas, the problem lies deeper.

In the last two close seasons Ferguson has gone on record as saying “I will look in the player’s eyes and see if it’s still there. That hunger you need to win.” He knows it is important because our club has a history with this sort of stuff. After the 68 European Cup Final players burst into tears all over the pitch - something had to give after the effort to reach that goal. George Best lamented at the time “everybody was saying ‘that’s it, we’ve done it’ and I was only 22″. There was a sense around the place that the highest plateau had been reached. Six years later we were relegated.

After 99’s triumph the squad spent two years cruising through the league and falling over teams like Bayer Leverkeusen (LEVERKEUSEN!) in Europe. Fergie’s holy grail had been attained and the bite left once more. Three years later we had our lowest finish for a decade and then went on a four year dry patch in the league.

So what is it that courses through the veins an OT when the European Cup comes home? Do the squad do the playing equivalent of rolling over and lighting up a post-coital smoke? Does Fergie turn into a teddy bear who wouldn’t dream of getting angry at the players who just gave him his favourtie trinket? I doubt it, but there is malaise is our team at the moment and there are precious few other excuses why that might be. This is a shame because never before have we had a squad young enough to carry on the torch. The problem is, do they want it enough?

Talking to the Hoops fans I found it interesting to discover how many of them really don’t rate ‘the Strach’. They think ‘hees not a troo huup’ and probably a ‘proddy’, but they are not entirely sure.

In this instance I don’t think I can blame them (not on the religious aspect of course). Celtic played United in the same stage of the same competition just two years ago and nearly frightened the life out of us, indeed, they nicked a victory at Parkhead with an absolute peach of goal from Nakamura.

Apart from having the most politically incorrect chant on the isles (”he eats chow mein he votes sinn fein”), Nakamura is also a mighty handy player. He also started last night. So when ‘the Strach’ came out to the papers the day before and announced that playing United at Old Trafford is ‘daunting’ and a ‘near impossible task’ I for one, might have been less than pleased with the boss getting his excuses in early.

Yes, Vennegor of Impossiblylongsurnamelink was out injured and a few others but isn’t this exactly the kind of match where form is supposed to go out of the window? England v Scotland, blood and guts players plunging boots into each other, impossible running and Roy of the Rovers type stuff?

Well, none of that happened and instead we had an accomplished United beat a surrendering Celtic. Berbatov seems to have discovered running and with him and Rooney scoring we can only hope that Ronaldo becomes so jealous that he tries to catch up.

Form is being hit now and we should, with all fingers crossed, pick up the next nine points in the league. By the time those three games are done we will have a much clearer vision of how our domestic campaign is going to look.

Europe is too anomalous to call at the moment, but I do wish this game had had more bite to it.

We are scoring and the strikers are starting to gel nicely together so there are no complaints. It did, however, take us a bit too long to break down this team and we look far from awesome at the moment. Perhaps that is an ungrateful assessment but we are European Champions and should have more of an aura about us than we currently do. The result from Anfield took the edge off an otherwise successful day but we can do no more than keep winning our matches.

As is widely reported, no hunters from the West of Bromich have returned from Manchester with a victory since the tricerotops roamed through Salford. Of course, one of our match going team was there in that cold December in 1958 and the memory of it still haunts him. So our hopes of a high scoring victory were doused with trepidation before kick-off as he portended doom in the usual fashion.

Fortunately, Wayne Rooney also disagreed with his cynicism and set about the travelling team like a caveman against a wounded sabre-tooth tiger. Rooney is in form at the moment, but he has always gone on little runs like this - there was a similar one last year kicked off by a hat-trick against Bolton - but because he is also doing it for England there is now hullaballoo involved.

The team is still not clicking in scat fashion yet so immense performances from individuals will have to see us through for the time being. I think we are getting there but there is definitely something missing at the moment. I hate to say it but we look like a cup team this year, let’s hope it is the big one. We will live to rue our results at Stamford Bridge and Anfield I fear, the Chelsea juggernaut rolls on and, horrifically, Liverpool are gaining in both momentum and belief.

Doom was portended by our companion for this solitary fixture, but the season at large could cause tears unless those two rivals start slipping up. It is going to be a long 7 months.

Blackburn are hard to quantify under Ince, one match they look great and the next they capitulate, so this was hard to call. They barely fought and I found that a little surprising. Berbatov played very well and the team is starting to click a little but I doubt any of us know the best 11 on any given day. I hate to say it but we really don’t look 100% at the back at the moment. The great positive is that Rooney is scoring and that was important. The opportunities missed against Chelsea and Liverpool were big and we need to keep our eye on the ball now, behind is where we are and the work will be gruelling from here on in. I expect the attacking to get better, the signs are there, and the flapping at the back should clear itself up too but this run needs to continue.
Incidentally, when was the last time Ewood Park was actually full?

The following is an edited transcript of Newcastle interim manager Joe Kinnear’s first official press conference yesterday

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror’s north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You’re a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you’re saying I turned up and they [Newcastle’s players] fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn’t actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I’ve fucking read it, I’ve read it.

SB It doesn’t say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn’t say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It’s your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn’t say that you didn’t know.

JK What about the headline, you think that’s a good headline?

SB I didn’t write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

SB So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn’t. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?

JK It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain’t got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?

SB No, you can listen to who you want.

JK I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.

SB Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.

JK No, no, no. I didn’t want to do it. I had some other things to do.

SB What? More important things?

JK What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.

SB You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.

JK I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.

SB It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.

JK I can’t trust any of you.

Niall Hickman Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.

JK My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.

NH But why Monday, no one could believe it?

JK I’m not going to tell you anything. I don’t understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?

NH Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don’t talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level … [but] you will find some cunt that …

Other journalist How long is your contract for Joe?

JK None of your business.

SB Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don’t know …

JK I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That’s it finished. I don’t know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He’s trying to fucking hide, he’s trying to do this or that.

There follows an exchange regarding the circumstances under which Kinnear had met the owner Mike Ashley and executive director (football) Dennis Wise.

Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun) We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people cunts?

JK Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.

Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn’t go outside.

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks?

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don’t affect me I assure you. It’ll be the last time I see you anyway. Won’t affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don’t trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain’t coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I’m ridiculed for no reason. I’m defenceless. I can’t get a point in, I can’t say nothing, I can’t do nothing, but I ain’t going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I’m not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I’ve got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It’s ongoing. It just doesn’t stop.

Journalist It’s only been a week.

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year.

Journalist It’s early days for you to be like this.

JK No, I’m clearing the air. And this is the last time I’m going to speak to you. You want to know why, I’m telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.

Journalist But this isn’t going to do you or us any good.

JK I’ll speak to the supporters. I’m going to tell them what the story is. I’m going to tell them. I don’t think they’ll interpret it any different, I don’t think they’ll mix it up, I don’t think they’ll miss out things. I mean, one of them last week said to me … I was talking about in that press conference where you were there, I said something like “Well, that’s a load of bollocks …”

Journalist “Bollocks to that” is what you said.

JK Bollocks to that. And what goes after that?

Journalist That was it.

JK No it wasn’t, no it wasn’t. What was after it? I don’t know if it was your paper, but what went after it?

Journalist I don’t know.

JK It even had the cheek to say “bollocks to Newcastle”.

Journalist I didn’t write that.

JK That was my first fucking day. What does that tell you? What does that tell you?

Journalist Where was that? Which paper said that?

JK I’ve got it. I can’t remember. It was one of the Sundays, not a Saturday. It was a Sunday.

Journalist But you didn’t say that to the Sundays, you said that to us. That was during the Monday press conference.

JK I’ll bring it in and show it to you. Why would I want to say that?

Journalist Are you saying that someone has reported you saying “bollocks to Newcastle?”

JK Yes. Lovely.

Journalist I don’t know who’s reported that.

JK I’ll tell you what, I’ll bring it in.

Journalist That’s obviously going to damage you. That’s not a good thing. But I don’t think someone’s done that. We have to have some sort of relationship with you.

JK So have I. But I haven’t come in here for you lot to take the piss out of me. And if I’m not flavour of the month for you, it don’t fucking bother me. I’ve got a job to do. And I’m going to do it to the best of my ability. I’m not going to spend any more time listening to any crap or reading any crap. Stick to the truth and the facts. And don’t twist anything.

Journalist You know, you know the game …

JK Of course I know, but I don’t have to like it.

Journalist Today we’ll print the absolute truth, that you think we’re cunts, we can all fuck off and we’re slimy. Is that fair enough?

JK Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it’ll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.

Much, much later after long discussions over whether Kinnear had promised Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan would be returning to the club

Press officer Let’s get on to football. Let’s have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it’s wiped off and we’re not discussing it.

Journalist But that’s what Joe has said he thinks of us.

Press officer I’m saying don’t push it. Let’s accept what’s been said and try and move on.

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?

PO: No, to doing something now.

Journalist: What, one press conference only?

(Silence)

Journalist: Any knocks?

PO: Come on, let’s go football.

Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How’s the training going?

JK It’s going very well. No problems at all.

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?

JK Absolutely. I’ve loved every moment of it.

I would love to know more about the Danish language. The last time I saw the letter ‘a’ written ‘Aa’ I was in primary school. But our opponents on Tuesday night like it so much they have written it twice into their club’s name. Perhaps this is an attempt to improve the literacy of their players, if so - Wayne Rooney’s speech therapist please take note.

What was not in doubt is that these guys were expecting to be a taught a footballing lesson, and United were supposed to be the ones holding the chalk. It is true to say that any 3 nil win away in Europe is a decent result but as Mattybonce has said, this was a far cry from 1998 when we put the dunce cap on Bronby during our 6-2 rout in the same country.

       Dimitar Berbatov

Berbatov is the Steven Seagal of football, never does he have a hair out of place, nor a bead of sweat on his forehead, but he is completely and utterly lethal if he wants to be. Not since Big Norm’s chunkier years have I seen a United player stand motionless, hands on hips as often as he does, it is like he is waiting for a bus sometimes. On the plus side, he is amazing at making space for himself, and from the looks of things tonight he can play a mean through ball.

There was a growing suspicion at the start of the year that this was going to be a big season for Anderson. It is going to have to be now because Scholes is rather seriously crocked. I think he is up to the job but he has looked a little off the pace so far this season.

Next up the mighty lambs of Blackburn, time to release our wolves. Tevez, it is time to score.